


I'm gonna feel every feeling

by atresia



Category: RuPaul's Drag Race RPF
Genre: Abortion, Alternate Universe - High School, F/F, Internalized Homophobia, Teenage Pregnancy
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-05-21
Updated: 2020-05-21
Packaged: 2021-03-03 00:40:36
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 8,737
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/24306073
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/atresia/pseuds/atresia
Summary: “Ginger ale and crackers? That’s not hangover food.”Warnings for teenage pregnancy, internalized homophobia, abortion
Relationships: Gigi Goode/Crystal Methyd
Comments: 10
Kudos: 58





	I'm gonna feel every feeling

**Author's Note:**

> Are you even writing a fic if you don’t leave that one you’re writing for another story idea comes to mind and doesn’t want to leave? So I wrote. And here it is. Unbeta-ed. And probably full of mistakes and disjointed things. I just wanted to lean into some sad feelings (I’ve been out of it a lot these days). And I think I’ve been watching Sex Education too much, it’s a little bit inspired. So, here. Hope you like it.
> 
> I know this can be sensitive to some. You don’t have to read it. Just a little background: I went to an all-girls Catholic high school and something similar happened to one of my closest friends (because, you know, high school is not the best place for these to mix: religion and hormones and questioning your sexual orientation/gender identity). And I recently reconnected with her that’s why this story came to be. We’re older now so we talked about it like mature adults. After all these years, there’s still a lot of mixed feelings. So I’m not saying it’s something to be taken lightly but it’s most definitely a conversation that has to be open all the time.

Crystal clenches her hands into fists, tightly clutching the stick in her right hand, avoiding having to look at it. She stares at herself in the mirror of Gigi’s bathroom and tells herself not to cry. Too late, fresh tears are already flooding her eyes and quickly rolling down her cheeks.

There’s a knock on the door pulling her from her thoughts and she’s pretty sure Gigi is on the other side of the door trying so hard to restrain herself from barging inside. Gigi has never been one to respect personal space, at least with Crystal. “Are you okay in there?”

She doesn’t answer. Because she doesn’t know. Gigi can wait until she does. She takes a deep breath and leans back against the wall to steady herself. She lifts a shaky hand up to eye level to see the word she never imagined she’d ever see in her life. 

She blinks and takes a look again. Nope. Still the same.

_ Are you there, God? It’s me, Crystal. And I think I fucked up this time. _

Crystal takes another deep breath to steel herself and wipes away her tears. She doesn’t want to throw the stick in the bin, afraid Gigi (or worse, Gigi’s mom) would see it, so she stuffs it in the pocket of her shorts not fully realizing that she peed on the damn thing just moments ago. 

Another knock, more aggressive this time. “Crystal, I’m coming in,” Gigi announces. She throws the door open to find Crystal standing there awkwardly with a pink nose and tear-stained cheeks. “What happened?” She’s suddenly worried and steps forward to offer her friend a hug.

“Please don’t touch me,” she says as she takes a step back. Gigi does, too, hands up in surrender. Whether she’s hurt at the rejection or she understands what she means, Crystal is thankful that Gigi doesn’t push. “I might cry more if you touch me,” she explains why she pulls back. “Hormones.” Yeah, that’s technically the truth. But she knows Gigi will take it as Crystal having her period and will drop it soon. 

They settle in Gigi’s bed like they always do every Friday night – fairy lights on, a movie projected onto a white wall, popcorn and Reese’s Pieces in a bowl, some sort of edible hiding amongst the mess of popcorn kernels and candy-covered chocolate waiting to be discovered, a big icy glass of cola for Crystal and root beer for Gigi.

Crystal isn’t really paying attention. Her heart is pounding in her chest (she’s sure that if you listened closely, you can actually hear it from a mile away) and a million thoughts are running through her mind. How is she going to tell her parents? They wouldn’t want anything to do with her. They’ll kick her out of the house, for sure. Or Gigi? Will Gigi still want to be her friend? How will she be able to go back to school and show her face? And she obviously has to tell  _ him _ . Does she have to though? What is she going to do with  _ it _ ? There are lots of options and lots to think about and…

“Crystal,” Gigi whispers, gently resting her hand on Crystal’s very tense shoulder. “What’s the matter?”

In true Crystal fashion, she bursts into tears. And Gigi pulls her in for a cuddle. In a well-practiced motion, they lean back against the headboard, Crystal’s head tucked firmly onto Gigi’s chest, Gigi rubbing her back up and down, letting her violently sob it all out. Gigi doesn’t push, she knows Crystal will let her know at her own pace. They sit tangled up together in silence until Crystal calms down a bit.

“Gigi,” she whispers.

“Hmm?”

“I need to tell you something.”

“You can tell me anything but only when you’re ready,” she says, tightening her hold on Crystal. She isn’t sure why, but whatever Crystal wants to tell her is making her nervous too.

Crystal struggles to get it out before surrendering to the fact that she doesn’t have words for this. She knows she doesn’t have to tell Gigi, and Gigi will wait until she’s ready, but something in her pushes her to do so. A problem shared is half-solved, right? She starts and restarts her sentence but words don’t feel right. Instead, she pulls out the used pregnancy test that has been burning a hole in her pocket and hands it over to Gigi for her to figure it out.

“Crystal,” she whispers almost reverently.

It all makes sense to Gigi now. Just a couple of days ago, she was commenting about how Crystal has suddenly grown a decent pair of tits. And how Crystal has complained repeatedly about how although they were larger, they were sore all the time. They blamed it on hormones. And hormones they really are. 

Gigi shifts them slightly so they’re sitting up straight against the headboard, shoulder to shoulder. She takes Crystal’s hand in both of hers and wills all her energies to offer as much comfort as she can through her fingers.

“I thought…” Gigi starts.

“You thought what?”

“That... uh…” Gigi hesitates.

“What?”

“That you’re gay?” Suddenly, Gigi is unsure whether she should have brought this up right now. It doesn’t seem like the time and place.

“Wait. What?” Crystal is surprised, she shifts so she’s looking directly at Gigi. “You know?” 

Gigi scoffs. “We’ve been friends since we were five,” she says like it’s the most obvious thing. “So you’re not?”

“Well…” Crystal says in a high-pitched tone, conjuring up a sheepish smile – it’s teary and child-like but it’s still a smile.

“Well what?”

“I am.” This isn’t how she pictured coming out to her best friend. But it's as good a time as any. Nothing is ideal at this point in time. 

“So how did this happen?” 

“I had sex.”

“A woman can’t get you pregnant.“ Gigi rolls her eyes at her friend.

“With a boy.”

“What boy? When? Why didn’t you tell me?” She tries to sound surprised but she kind of already has an idea and she wants Crystal to tell her with her own words.

She tells Gigi about the night of Jaida’s birthday party some time ago. How confused she was about how she feels about other girls... about  _ a _ girl. But she doesn’t tell her that this girl she has confusing feelings about is her – Gigi. Maybe Gigi wouldn’t ask further because this isn’t what’s important right now. How she kept telling herself maybe she can  _ fuck the gay away _ . How she fell into bed with the first guy who actually showed some interest in her – Alec, not the most popular but not a loser either, on the swim team, quite good looking, dark wavy hair, striking blue eyes, slightly feminine features. Maybe that’s why. Maybe if she  _ was _ straight, she’d actually go for this guy. Because he fucking looks like Gigi, if Gigi was a boy. How she’s been having sex with this guy on the regular, hoping she’d develop some sort of straightness. How she never really thought of getting birth control because she didn’t think this would go on for longer than it has. How the sex is actually mind-blowingly good. How she orgasms every. Single. Time. Like she never thought she’d enjoy sex with a guy knowing she doesn’t swing that way. How much she learned about her own body, trying to figure out what she likes. How thinking about a penis poking around in her nether regions is making her want to throw up right now. How the fuck she thought that was a good idea is still a mystery to her. 

What she doesn’t know is that Gigi has been thinking about this for a while. How could Crystal keep this a secret from her? Not about her being a lesbian but her having sex with a boy she’s sure Crystal doesn’t even like. Because this boy had the audacity to come up to her one day and ask her for help with Crystal. For help to get Crystal to be his girlfriend. And she wasn’t even sure he was telling the truth. Until now.

_ (Gigi is quietly trying to finish her homework in the library during her free period when a guy she only ever says hi and hello to along the corridor sits beside her. _

_ “Gigi Goode,” he says. _

_ Gigi cocks her head to the side, confused. “Alec,” she replies. She honestly doesn’t remember his last name and they’ve been in the same class since kindergarten. She just can’t be bothered. _

_ “You’re friends with her, right?” he asks vaguely. _

_ “Who? I have a lot of friends,” she says, flipping her hair before resting her chin on her fingers. _

_ “With Crystal? Pretty girl with a sunny infectious smile and bouncy curly hair?” He looks absolutely smitten. But they’re talking about Crystal. Who wouldn’t be? Poor guy. _

_ Gigi is now more confused. “Yes, and?” _

_ “I need your help,” Alec confesses. _

_ Gigi raises a brow at him. She’s never seen him talk to Crystal. Or is there something she’s missing? What’s happening? “With what?” _

_ “Crystal and I are…” he trails off, seemingly unsure whether he should tell Gigi or not. _

_ “What?”  _

_ “Crystal and I are having sex,” he whispers, leaning in closer just in case someone was listening in. _

_ Gigi scoffs. “No, you’re not.” No, they’re not. Crystal doesn’t like boys that way. And Crystal, her best friend in the entire world if she needed reminding, surely would’ve told her about this if it were true. “It’s not a good look to tell lies, Alec.” _

_ Alec scoots his chair closer. “It’s not a lie. We  _ have _ been having sex and it’s great.” He smiles at Gigi and she’s having a hard time deciding whether it’s sincere or not. “It’s great, the sex. But I’ve sort of realized that I want her to hang around with me more. You know, afterward.” _

_ “After sex?” _

_ “Yes, and before. And all the fucking time.” Gigi makes a non-committal sound. She gets it now, what he’s trying to say. What she doesn’t understand is why he needs her help. “Yeah, so I thought you could help me out.” _

_ “You want me to help you get Crystal to be your girlfriend?” she clarifies, still not believing what she’s hearing. Doesn’t this guy realize that Crystal is a raging lesbian? She’s not out yet, sure. Not even to Gigi. Not even to herself, she assumes. But doesn’t everyone already know? It’s kind of obvious. _

_ Alec nods. _

_ “I don’t really know what I can do,” Gigi admits. _

_ “Well, you’re her best friend. I’m sure you can nudge her in the right direction.” He’s practically pleading now and Gigi would’ve found this pathetic if he didn’t look as good as he did. Gigi may not like boys that way but she can sure appreciate a handsome face. _

_ Gigi scoots her chair back and stands up, deciding she’s had enough of this. She looks down at Alec who actually seems lost. She feels bad for saying this, but it’s true. “I can, Alec, and the right direction isn’t towards you. Sorry,” she says before she leaves.) _

“Did you use condoms, at least? Because I’d at least want to blame a broken condom for this.”

“No,” Crystal embarrassingly admits.

“In this day and age, why did you not even think of protection? Do you even realize how dangerous that is? You could have an STD or something.”

“Something, a baby.”

“You’re smarter than that, Crys.” Gigi lets out a frustrated groan. “Even lesbians can get pregnant, you know,” she says, trying to lighten the air, help Crystal relax a little. Though she knows she wouldn’t, not until she figures this all out. “You know, he thinks he’s in love with you,” she says. 

“I know, he keeps hounding me in the hallway.” Crystal chuckles lightly, still with tears in her eyes. “I should tell him.”

“Should you?” Really, Gigi doesn’t know the protocol for this.

And neither does Crystal. “I don’t know.”

She doesn’t ask Crystal anything else although she’s dying to know what she plans to do. Because it’s really not about her right now. How selfish of her to think that. She tells her she’ll be right here when she wakes up and for whatever she decides to do. She lets Crystal soak her shirt with tears and mull over this life-changing information in silence, rubbing her back until they both fall asleep.

* * *

Gigi finds Crystal in the quad surrounded by their other friends the Monday morning after she found out about her  _ situation _ . The girls are happily chatting around her, catching up on things that happened over the weekend as if they weren’t together for most of it, oblivious to the fact that Crystal has buried herself in her book trying to make herself small. Gigi has only been looking from far away and yet she can see – the dark bags under her eyes she couldn’t properly cover with concealer, the blatant lack of a large iced coffee cup by her side (if you  _ really _ knew Crystal, you’d know she runs on caffeine and sugar), the disgusted look on her face like she’s smelling something offensive. 

She approaches the table, exchanging air kisses with the girls, before quietly sitting beside Crystal, careful not to disturb her in case she doesn’t feel like it.

“Morning,” Crystal quietly greets, looking up from her book.

“You okay?” she asks just as quietly. Crystal shakes her head no before her face contorts into an unreadable expression. “What is it?”

“Geege, I love you, but your perfume is making me sick,” she says trying to stop herself from hurling. Too late, her breakfast of very bland oats is already coming back up. She rushes to the toilet and Gigi is close behind her, not even bothering to explain to the other girls what just happened. It’s not her place anyway.

Gigi reaches into her backpack for her water tumbler and hands it over to her when Crystal finishes puking her breakfast. “I’m sorry my perfume smells offensive.”

“Don’t be sorry, I love your perfume,” she says as she splashes water on her face. “It’s just hormones, I guess.”

Gigi nods. She reaches into her backpack again, pulling out a bottle of ginger ale and some saltines. “Here,” she says, putting the items into Crystal’s bag. “I heard these help with the morning sickness.”

Crystal can feel the pricking of tears. “Thank you,” she says, tilting her head backward to stop the tears from falling. “I’m sorry, I’ve been crying more than usual.”

“Is that even possible?”

Crystal groans, rubbing her face with her hands. “Apparently, it is. And I’ve been tired a lot. Too tired to do anything, really.” Even before they found out, Gigi had noticed Crystal dozing off in class, something she never does. Sometimes, she’d look over at Crystal while they were supposedly watching a movie to find her softly snoring beside her. Now she knows why.

Gigi just smiles sympathetically at her. There’s really nothing she can say to make Crystal feel better. She hands her a mint from her pocket before ushering her out of the toilets to walk to class.

“Gigi, I hate to ask,” Crystal pulls on Gigi’s sleeve.

“When have I ever said no to you?”

Crystal cocks her head to the side. “A lot of times, actually. There was once in fifth grade when –”

“What is it?” Gigi cuts her off with a chuckle.

“I have two favors, actually,” she clarifies, holding up two fingers. Gigi raises her brow, signaling Crystal to continue. “My parents are leaving for their annual trip to Mexico on Wednesday and they’re gone for the next three weeks and…”

“Yes, I’ll stay over. We just have to tell my mom.” This happens annually, anyway. Her mom has already come to expect it. 

For some reason, maybe to avoid crowds or the heat or because it’s cheaper to go, they’ve always gone to visit Crystal’s mom’s side of the family in the middle of her school year. Sometimes they’d take two trips, one in the summer, so Crystal could join. But it’s mostly just once a year, effectively leaving Crystal behind. They’re great friends with the Goodes so that’s where Crystal stays for three weeks. As they got older, Crystal would opt to stay home alone, not wanting to impose on the Goodes. But Gigi, stubborn as she’ll ever be, would insist on having her over or invite herself to stay at Crystal’s for the next three weeks. 

“You said you had two favors,” she reminds Crystal.

“Would you come with me to my sonogram appointment this Friday?” she asks in one breath, as if embarrassed to be asking this of Gigi.

Gigi nods with a small smile on her face. She’s excited but she doesn’t know if she should be excited. Crystal hasn’t figured out what to do. She doesn’t want to pre-empt anything. “Thanks for including me in this.” She really is grateful. For a while she thought Crystal would pull away, retreat into her shell, try to go through this alone, try to not bother anyone if possible. She’d hate for Crystal to go through this thinking she couldn’t ask anyone for help or rely on anyone even just for emotional support. Crystal returns Gigi’s smile, her first real one since Friday. She’s equally as grateful for Gigi’s presence.

* * *

Crystal, waiting for Gigi to pack up three weeks worth of clothes, is sprawled out on the couch in the Goodes’ living room and mindlessly scrolling through her socials when Gigi’s mom comes home from work. She immediately jumps up to greet her at the door as if welcoming her to her own home. Because this house is essentially her second home with all the time she spends here. 

She reaches in for a side hug and a kiss on the cheek. “Thanks for letting Gigi stay with me,” she says before taking some bags from Gigi’s mom’s hands.

Nancy pats Crystal’s hair tenderly and smiles. “No problem, baby. Where’s Gigi?” she asks looking around her house.

Crystal points towards the ceiling. “Packing up.” They both giggle, knowing it might take the half-life of uranium before they could actually get back to Crystal’s house. Gigi’s probably still trying on some outfits before finally deciding what to pack.

Crystal helps Nancy put away some groceries to pass the time. They also pack up a canvas bag of food that Nancy insists they take home so the girls don’t have to cook on some nights. “Are you sure you don’t want to stay here instead?” The Goode household, she reminds Crystal, is always open to her. Any day of the week, any time of the day.

If Crystal wasn’t in this  _ situation _ , she’d take her up on her offer. But she feels like she couldn’t keep it a secret if she was staying in someone else’s house. It’s better to be at home, alone. Alone with Gigi. And Nancy is like her mom. She has the same fear of Nancy finding out and not looking at her the same way.

“I’m sure, thanks for offering though,” she smiles. Nancy tells her that she can change her mind. Crystal tells her she’ll remember that. 

They make small talk over milky tea and cake, much like the summer afternoons she spent at the Goode house. Except it’s not the summer and she’s not a child anymore and she’s alone with Nancy. It’s easy mindless conversation with her and she’s thankful for the reprieve.

“Crystal,” Gigi’s mom says as she fills her cup with more hot water.

“Yes?” 

“I know it’s none of my business but I’ve noticed that you’ve been really quiet lately. It doesn’t seem very Crystal. Is everything okay, darling?”

There’s something about Gigi’s mom that makes her want to pour her heart out. She’s so motherly and tender. And not that her own mom isn’t, because she is. But it’s Nancy being a mother who isn’t hers that makes Crystal a little bit more comfortable with her. “I’m just scared.” She tells her it’s about her future. Which is technically true. She tells her about the uncertainty she feels for life after high school. Still, true. Because she doesn’t know what she’s going to do with this baby in her uterus. What she’s going to do with it. How she’s going to tell her family. If she’s even supposed to tell Alec. How she’s supposed to go off to university and survive with a child to raise. If she could even go to school with a child to raise. 

Nancy puts a hand over Crystal’s. It’s warm and accepting and not judgemental. Like she knows exactly what Crystal isn’t saying. “Fuck fear, Crystal.” Crystal laughs, it’s so uncharacteristic of Nancy to just casually throw in swear words. Nancy winks at her. “It’s a waste of time, baby. You can’t live in fear.”

Crystal nods because she’s right. Nancy is always right, she thinks. She’s never, in all 13 years she’s known her, had any piece of advice from her that didn’t make sense. She’s been leaning into all her emotions recently and it isn’t doing her any good. It just fuels all the negativity she shouldn’t be allowing to consume her. 

They hear a loud thud from Gigi’s bedroom, pulling them away from their little moment. For a while, Crystal forgot what she was doing in the Goode house. Nancy laughs. “You’d think she was moving out of the house,” she says as she walks to the stairs to check up on Gigi. “I’ll be back.”

* * *

“Are you sure you don’t want me to come in with you?” Gigi asks as Crystal gets up from her seat in the waiting room when her name is called. 

Crystal shakes her head no quickly. She tells herself she has to do this alone. Because what if she ends up having to do this whole thing alone? She has to learn how to do things on her own.

“It’s just a doctor’s appointment, Geege. I think I’ll live,” she says as she follows the nurse to the office. Gigi tells her she’ll be out here when she’s done.

Crystal is on the examination table in a little paper gown as her doctor walks in. She specifically booked an appointment with a younger lady doctor because she couldn’t deal with another man tinkering down there and also couldn’t deal with judgemental older women. This doctor looks harmless enough.

The appointment goes smoothly. She gets asked the basic questions: her last period (“You’re most likely between 6 and 7 weeks along if you remembered your period correctly,” she’s told), how many sexual partners she’s had (both male and female; just one), if she uses a condom (obviously not) or any other sort of contraception, if she’s willing to use some contraception in the future (she tells her doctor yes. But really? Will she need it?). She even brought a list of things to tell the doctor in case she asks: some allergies, medications she’s been taking, a probably too-extensive list of her family’s complicated medical history. She gets a pelvic exam and a Pap smear (which certainly is as uncomfortable as she can imagine, no matter how gentle her doctor is). And then they talk about her options: seeing this pregnancy to term, termination, or adoption. She tells her she has to think about it and she’ll call her office when she’s ready.

And then she’s told it’s time for her sonogram. She’s more nervous about this than she was for the Pap. Crystal takes a series of deep breaths to try to calm herself but it isn’t working. She shyly asks her doctor if her friend could come in. She needs emotional support, she says. Her doctor smiles kindly at her. “Of course, let me get her for you.”

She’s mentally preparing herself for what she’s about to see when Gigi comes in. “You okay?” Gigi asks. She smiles at Crystal and suddenly the traces of uneasiness melts away.

“Better now,” she smiles back. Gigi sits beside her and Crystal immediately takes her hand.

Crystal tightens her grip on Gigi, absorbing the comfort of the warmth of her hand, as the doctor probes a wand over her belly that’s been slathered with rather cold jelly.

She’s not looking at the screen as her doctor searches. Crystal looks at Gigi instead. But Gigi’s busy looking at the screen as if she knows what she’s looking at. Crystal’s sure she doesn’t.

Then there it is. 

A heartbeat. Fast and strong. And real.

And then there are tears. She feels a little lightheaded.

Crystal shifts her gaze to the screen where her doctor is pointing to the little blob. “There’s your baby, Crystal. And we were right, you’re 7 weeks along.” Crystal nods, still not believing that this is real. “It’s about the size of a blueberry right now.”

“It looks like a gummy bear,” Gigi says. Crystal looks back at Gigi, who now also has tears in her eyes. She squeezes Gigi’s hand again, hoping to convey as much emotion as a little movement can convey. For being Gigi. For gratitude. For comfort. For love. 

Crystal walks out of the doctor’s office with two copies of the sonogram and a fullness in her chest. She still doesn’t know what to do. Her doctor told her she can terminate until 12 weeks. But her parents are coming home in two. She has to decide, fast. But she decides to linger in the feeling of elation with this fascinating blueberry-sized gummy bear for a little bit; pretend like it’s not that complicated, pretend that this is another life where it’s Gigi and her starting a family; pretend like she’s not a teenager whose life is about to drastically change.

“Geege, do you want a copy of this?” she asks, handing Gigi one of the printouts. She shares everything with Gigi, it’s only right that she shares this with her too. Gigi nods and looks at the photo like it’s the most amazing thing she’s ever seen in her life. In another lifetime, perhaps.

* * *

Crystal is sitting on the hood of her car, waiting in the parking lot for Gigi. She doesn’t know what’s taking her too long to get out but she’s getting impatient. And hungry. She’s always hungry. Moreso now.

She looks up from her phone to see Alec approaching her. Not ideal. She’s been really good at avoiding him.  _ Gigi, where the fuck are you? _

“Crystal,” he calls out. “You’ve been avoiding me.”  _ No shit, Sherlock. _ He signals his friends to go on ahead before sitting on Crystal’s car hood beside her. There’s a smile on his face that Crystal can’t figure out. But it’s warm and it’s pleasant. And Crystal thinks to herself Alec seems like a great person, it was selfish of her to use him that way. And even more selfish of her to keep a big secret from him. Soon, she’ll tell him soon.

“Hi, Alec,” she chuckles awkwardly, putting away her phone because she may be awkward but she isn’t rude.

“You’ve been avoiding me,” he repeats, bumping shoulders with Crystal. She knows what he means when he says avoiding. He wants to have sex. And Crystal wants to throw up. Might be disgust, might be hormones. But she definitely wants to throw up.

“I —,” she wants to tell him she isn’t. But she is. Actively. And there’s no denying it. “Yes,” she admits. She doesn’t want to look at him but she does and he actually looks hurt. She looks away again, not wanting to deal with more emotions. “This was only supposed to be a casual thing, dude.”  _ And also, I’m so fucking gay _ , she wants to say.

Alec scratches the back of his neck. “Yeah, but I thought we couldn’t be friends with benefits if we aren’t exactly friends, you know.”

“I could use another friend.” Crystal doesn’t know why she’s doing this. Maybe it’s the guilt of keeping her pregnancy a secret from him. He deserves to know. But not yet. Not when she hasn’t fully processed the entirety of this situation. 

“Thought so,” he smiles.

“But maybe none of the benefits?” Crystal suggests.

Alec cocks his head to the side with a smirk on his face. “But Crystal! We talk. We laugh. We have crazy good sex.” Crystal laughs because he’s right, as much as she hates to admit it. “So do you want to be friends? I really want to get to know you. You seem like a very cool person and it looks like we like a lot of the same things,” he explains. “No benefits,” he quickly adds.

Crystal holds out her hand to him and Alec takes it to shake. “Friends,” Crystal nods.

Alec keeps her company for a bit, showing her some funny stuff on his phone and making small conversation, as if he knows she’s waiting for Gigi. 

“Thanks for sitting with me,” Crystal says with a smile when she sees Gigi approaching.

Alec gets up and slings his bag over his shoulder. “Anytime, Crys. I wasn’t lying when I said I wanted to get to know you.” He waits for Gigi to get there before waving goodbye. “Drive safe, girls,” he says with a wink looking back at them as he walks to his car.

“What was that about?” Gigi asks.

Crystal shrugs her shoulders. “I made a friend.”

“Despite how  _ utterly jealous _ I am of your budding new friendship, it’s true that you can never have too many good friends,” Gigi says suddenly slipping into a British accent that makes Crystal laugh hysterically. She shifts her tone to a more serious one once Crystal settles down. “Did you tell him yet?”

“Not ready. But I’m ready to eat, so let’s go.” This is a conversation for a different day. Maybe once she can actually hold a serious conversation with Alec, then she’ll tell him. But right now, the Gummy Bear is hungry.

* * *

Crystal is desperately trying to keep her attention focused on her maths homework. It’s difficult trying to juggle graduating from high school with a decent GPA and figuring out what to do with an unexpected teenage pregnancy (as if a pregnant teenager is ever expected). She stares at her workbook willing the answers to just show themselves in her mind and write themselves down. Solution included. But it’s impossible. And she couldn’t possibly ask Gigi for help on this either, she isn’t any good. The bitch can’t even count. 

“I hate this,” she shouts, throwing her workbook at the wall. 

“What did the wall ever do to you?” Gigi asks as she comes into the living room to see what the sound was. She isn’t crying, definitely a win in Gigi’s book. “Don’t hurt it. It has feelings too,” she says jokingly. 

Crystal sits up and pouts at her. “I don’t need your stupid comments today, Gigi.”

Gigi picks up the workbook and sits beside Crystal. Near enough so Crystal knows she’s there to listen but far enough to easily run away if Crystal decides to throw something at her instead. 

They’re quiet for a moment. Gigi has learned not to hover or smother because when she does, Crystal retreats into herself more. She looks over at Crystal who has leaned back into the couch with her eyes closed, one hand on her chest, another on her lower abdomen, quietly and slowly counting. Her breathing becomes more shallow and more regular, Gigi thinks she’s fallen asleep. 

But she’s wrong. Crystal slowly crawls up to Gigi to rest her head on Gigi’s lap. Instinctively, Gigi starts stroking her hair.

“I feel like I’m suffocating,” Crystal says. “It’s like I’m living in somebody else’s body; trapped in somebody else’s life.”

“It’s okay.”

“It’s not okay.”

“You’re right, it’s not. I just didn’t know what to say.”

“I don’t know what to fucking do, Geege. My life will be a living hell once I tell my parents. Fuck, I might as well go to  _ actual _ hell if I abort this baby. They’re going to send me on the first non-stop flight to hell, I just know it.” 

Time for Gigi to be the voice of reason here. “I have opinions, but mine aren’t important in this situation so –“

“Your opinions are always welcome,” Crystal interrupts.

“Thank you. What I was trying to say was that you should definitely talk to Alec. I mean, obviously, at the end of the day, whatever you choose to do is up to you. Your body, your choice. But he has to know because you couldn’t be running around with a child that’s his and him not knowing. Or you couldn’t just let him  _ not _ know that he could’ve had a child. Do you get me?” Crystal nods. Gigi may not be good at maths, but she’s good at everything else. “And maybe he could help you arrive at a decision that you’re comfortable with.” 

“I’ll talk to him soon.”

“How about your parents?”

“You’re going to hate me for saying this but  _ if  _ I do get an abortion, I don’t plan on letting them know. So that means I have to do it before they come home.”

“Have you considered the possibility of adoption?”

“I don’t want to do adoption, no,” she says surely. “It’s all or nothing, G.” 

Gigi wants to say it shouldn’t be. But in the grand scheme of things, it’s still not her place. She doesn’t want to be that person who gives her opinion on something, making another person more confused. Unless it’s a hideous outfit or improperly blended makeup, she’d definitely give unsolicited advice. But this is Crystal and this decision is life-changing. She wants her to make an informed decision on her own.

“Hey,” Crystal shifts her body to look at Gigi straight in the eyes, mouth opening like she wants to say more. 

“You’re welcome.”

* * *

Crystal, sitting between Gigi and Jan at lunch, groans loudly and Jan looks at her questioningly. “Sorry, hangover.” Lies. Lies. Lies.

Her head is pounding and she feels too hot and her stomach isn’t accepting anything she’s eating. Everything is just uncomfortable. All she wants to do is take off her clothes and lie in bed and just stare at nothingness. 

“Crystal, you don’t fool me. I was watching you last night; you didn’t have a drop of alcohol.”

Last night. The party Gigi forced her to go just to keep up pretenses. The one where she spent the night clutching a red solo cup filled with water, hoping no one noticed she wasn’t having any alcohol. The one where she repeatedly refused the joints passed to her (and everyone knows she never refuses a chance at weed). The one where she, quite efficiently, still avoided Alec (even though she agreed to be friends) who seemed to be everywhere she went. 

“Why were you watching me?”

“That’s not the point,” she says eyeing the items Crystal is taking out of her bag. “Ginger ale and crackers? That’s not hangover food,” she comments.

“It soothes a rough stomach, okay.”

Jan looks at Crystal, watching her as she forces herself to chew and swallow the bland cracker.

“Jan.”

“Crystal,” she furrows her brows and narrows her eyes suspiciously. “Are you…” Jan shifts her gaze to Crystal’s abdomen but her train of thought is quickly stopped by Crystal weakly holding up a hand to her face. Crystal feels Gigi stiffen beside her, knowing she wants to butt in.

“Don’t finish that sentence.”

Jan leans in and whispers, “Well, are you?”

“Janice, don’t push it,” Gigi interrupts with a low voice and a raised brow, gently pushing Jan’s shoulder away. She means business.

This doesn’t deter Jan. In fact, she leans in further. “But I thought…” Crystal knows where this is going.

Jan can’t seem to finish a lot of sentences today. “Don’t finish that one either.”

“Jan,” Gigi calls her name again, this time a little bit louder. “Not a word,” she says pursing her lips and widening her eyes threateningly at Jan.

Jan purses her lips and mimes a zipper sealing it shut. But her eyes are still questioning. Crystal looks at Gigi, silently thanking her for interrupting. They’ll deal with Jan together later. She just wants to focus on keeping down her lunch.

* * *

“Gigi,” she whispers as she gets up from bed to get ready for school.

“Why are you whispering?” Gigi asks with furrowed brows.

Crystal scratches her head. She doesn’t know why she’s whispering. But she does know that she woke up in a good mood and she knows what she wants to say. “My stomach feels settled today and I think I can eat and I was thinking about that pancake place with the pink guava syrup and…” Her mouth might as well be overflowing with saliva right now just thinking about the syrup. Not even the pancakes. The pink guava syrup.

Gigi chuckles at her. “Craving?” Crystal nods excitedly, smiling like a child. Gigi nods back. “We’ll go after school.”

“Okay, good. Because I was just about to tell you to ask Jan or Nicky for a ride home if you didn’t want to go.”

* * *

**GUMMY BEAR**

**CONS**

  * I have NO FUCKING IDEA how to be a mother.
  * I also do not have money. How the fuck am I going to support a baby?
  * College
  * MOM AND DAD ARE GOING TO DISOWN ME
  * Alec: Does he even want a baby? With me? Do I even want a baby? With him?
  * Weird to explain to other people. Think about the rumors!
  * PAIN: pregnancy, childbirth. Even abortion is painful. My poor vagina.
  * Pee. Puke. Poop. BLOOD.
  * What if I break Gummy?



**PROS**

  * My genes + Alec’s genes = Gummy’s going to be beautiful, no matter what. Facts are facts, America.
  * Gummy will have the best auntie Gigi; she’d maybe even be better than me
  * I’m gonna be a cool mom. We may be poor, but I’ll be cool.
  * I don’t have to go to college, right? I can find a job. I’m resourceful. I’ll make it work.
  * Baby shopping! The little clothes! The little shoes! The stuffed animals!
  * I only have to do this once. It’s confirmed. I DO NOT LIKE BOYS.



* * *

Alec catches Crystal’s eyes from across the room, tilting his head towards the stairs with a raised brow and a smirk on his lips. Crystal knows that face. She used to respond to that face. How she managed to keep it a secret from people, Gigi especially, is a mystery. 

But right now, she wants to talk. So she takes the proposition as an opportunity.

Crystal nods discreetly and escapes the Great Widow Inquisition as to why she’s not drinking or smoking weed or eating sushi. She points to Alec from across the room hoping this will get them off her back; let them think what they want to think about what’s happening between her and Alec. She shoots Gigi a text telling her where she’ll be and slips up the stairs to meet him.

“Hey,” he greets leaning in for a kiss. She raises her cup (of water) to her lips, effectively blocking her face.

“No benefits, remember?” she says taking a seat on the bed of whoever owns this house. Whose party is this anyway? It doesn’t matter.

“But you’re here.” He’s confused.

“To have a conversation,” she clarifies, smiling apologetically at him.

Alec nods. “Okay. What’s up?”

Crystal pats the space beside her, signaling him to take a seat. “We’re friends, right?” Alec nods. “And you said you wanted to get to know me.” When Alec doesn’t respond, Crystal just starts her spiel before she could back out. “Now that we’re friends, I think I owe you the truth. I’m gay.” Straight to the point.

“Why does that not surprise me?” Alec lets out a small chuckle.

“It doesn’t?” Crystal is surprised. Surely she couldn’t have been that obvious.

“I don’t know, it’s like I’ve always known,” he explains. “That’s why I was pleasantly surprised you actually wanted to have sex with me. Repeatedly.”

“I was trying to see if I could, I don’t know, fuck the gay away? And you were interested. I’m sorry.” And she really is sorry. 

“I’m sorry, too.” Alec lets out a breath and leans back into the bed completely. 

“I know this doesn’t mean anything, but it was pretty good sex.”

Alec nods in agreement. “It was. So are you and Gigi…”

“Are me and Gigi what?”

“Together?”

“What? No! Why would you think that?”

“People have just always assumed you were,” he says matter of factly.

“Oh.” Did they really? Crystal is confused. “Gigi and I aren’t together. That’s actually why I started sleeping with you. I got so confused about my feelings for her. I like her a lot. I guess I have for a while now. What a mess. She doesn’t even like me that way. Or like girls that way.”

“You can’t choose who you’re attracted to. You also can’t engineer a relationship.” Crystal shifts to take a good look at him. Alec actually makes so much sense. 

“That’s not actually why I wanted to talk. Well, it is. Part of it.” Alec looks at her patiently. Crystal looks back at him and thinks she’s been so lucky with having great people around her. She doesn’t deserve them. She takes a deep breath and closes her eyes because she can’t look at him directly when she says it. “I’m pregnant.”

It takes a while to register and when it does, Alec shoots up from the bed and paces. “Is this some kind of joke?”

“It isn’t April Fools’ Day,” she tries.

“Crystal.”

“I’m sorry,” she says covering her face.

“Shit. How long have you known?”

“A little over a week.”

Alec sits back down. Crystal is surprisingly calm. “Crys, in another life, this would have been great news. Because as embarrassing as it is after everything you’ve told me, I actually really like you. And while we’re being  _ friendly _ here, I’ve had the biggest crush on you since middle school.”

Crystal scoffs. “No, you haven’t.”

“Have you looked at yourself in the mirror?” Crystal blushes. “But things are complicated. We have to try and figure out how this is going to work.”

“I know. We’re young. And not in love. And I’m gay.” Alec nods. “There’s college and the future to think about.”

“You’re absolutely right. But, Crystal, what do you plan to do? I mean, if you decide to keep it, I’d want to be involved, obviously. If that’s what you want.”

“I, um, I was actually hoping we’d decide together. I figured I had to let you know before making a decision.”

“Thank you.”

“So, what do you think?”

“I think this is major.” Crystal laughs. “Did you tell your parents yet?” She tells him that only Gigi knows. And that if she decides to get rid of it, her parents wouldn’t have to know.

“I’m sorry for not telling you sooner,” she says quietly. “I needed to wrap my brain around it first. But it was selfish of me to keep it from you.”

“No, no,” he says, taking Crystal in a one-armed hug, making her silently cry. “I imagine it must’ve been difficult for you.”

She tells him about her doctor’s appointment. The sonogram of a blueberry-sized gummy bear, offering to send him a picture later. Her almost-daily mental breakdowns. Her weird cravings for the most random things.

“Crystal, we’re too young for this.”

“I know, that’s why it has been so hard.”

“Do you want to… maybe…”

“What? Get rid of it?”

“Yes?” he asks tentatively.

Crystal breathes out a sigh of relief. “My pros and cons list is leaning towards that. Will you be okay with it?”

“It’s ultimately your decision, Crystal.”

“Do you want to keep the baby?”

Alec takes a deep breath. “I just want to be in this with you as much as I can be. But in the end, you’re the one who’s pregnant. That makes this your decision. No matter what you decide, I’m behind you 100%.” Crystal tells him she’ll sleep on it and let him know. Maybe another go at her list will help her. 

“Thanks for not getting hysterically mad at me.” He pulls her in for a hug, his body lean and comforting and warm. She pulls away and studies his face. How can anyone be this calm? She wishes she was this calm when she found out. It’s exhausting being distraught and high-strung all the time. “You’re a great friend, Alec.” She leans in to plant a kiss on his cheek before exiting the room to convince Gigi they have to go home.

* * *

Gigi enters Crystal’s room all excited in a flurry of shopping bags. Crystal is coming out of the bathroom fresh out of the shower to see Gigi vibrating with excitement. You know how you open the door in some houses and a dog rocket-launches toward you with his whole trembling body? That’s Gigi at the moment. She flings her arms around Crystal to say hello and launches herself on the bed to get comfortable.

“Crys, you have to see what I got!” she says rummaging through her shopping bags.

Crystal towel-dries her hair as she sits on the bed amongst Gigi’s mess. Gigi’s excitement is infectious so she peeks into one hoping there was something for her. Gigi always has something for her when she goes on a shopping trip. She looks and her face falls, looking at Gigi questioningly. “What did you buy?”

Gigi, not noticing the shift in Crystal’s mood, pulls out her shopping – one, two, three sets of onesies in gender-neutral colors, the tiniest booties, and the cutest stuffed purple cow. Baby things amongst other things that are hers. “Aren’t these the most adorable things you’ve ever seen in your life?” She’s practically squealing in delight. “Gummy is going to be the most good looking baby there is.” 

Crystal sighs. “They’re cute, G. But you can’t buy stuff for the baby. You have to return these.”

“How come?” Crystal shifts her gaze, avoiding having to look Gigi in the eye. She’s not ashamed of her decision, she just doesn’t want to see how disappointed Gigi would be at her. 

Gigi isn’t dense. She gets it right away. She realizes she’s overstepped. “Okay, Crystal,” she reins the excitement back in. “You’ve decided then?”

“Yes. I’ve talked to Alec and we decided it’s for the best.” There’s a sadness and regret in her voice that Gigi couldn’t place. She tells her she already called the clinic and set up an appointment for Friday, it will give her the weekend to recover before her parents come home.

“Why, Crys?”

“Why? Because I’m not ready to be a mother! I’m a literal teenager. That’s why.” Gigi opens her mouth to speak but Crystal doesn’t let her. “You don’t have to be okay with this. I’ve already made my decision.”

“Are you sure? Let me help you.”

“And what are you going to do exactly? Fix me? Save me? There’s nothing to fix or save.” There’s a little bit of animosity. 

“But Crystal, I thought...”

“You assumed,” Crystal hisses. These mood swings are something else. Gigi gets it. But she isn’t just about to back down. She’s been yielding to Crystal a lot these days and she’s a person with feelings too. 

Gigi scoffs. “Yes! And it seems like I assume wrong all the fucking time.”

“What do you mean by that?”

“There was a moment a while back where I thought maybe you liked me. And I liked you back. I got scared so I didn’t tell you how I felt. And then you come with news that you’re pregnant. And I didn’t – I still don’t know how I feel about that.”

“Well I’m sorry I didn’t take your feelings into consideration when my egg decided to be fertilized. Why are you telling me this now?” Crystal is growing frustrated. Her breathing is short and heavy, her face is red, her eyes are glassy. 

“Because I thought if Alec didn’t want Gummy and you still did maybe...” She stops to look at Crystal’s face expecting to see softness there. She wants to say it could be the three of them instead of Crystal and Alec and the baby. That may be the future doesn’t have to be as uncertain as Crystal imagines it to be. But she couldn’t be any more wrong. There’s no softness. 

“What, Gigi?” she snaps. Crystal can piece together things. With Gigi’s confession and all of this, she knows where Gigi’s mind went. “Were you expecting that I’d raise this child with you? Were you expecting I’d drop my future just because you like me, I like you, and I’m conveniently pregnant, we could start a family together? That’s not how it works, Gigi! That’s incredibly selfish of you.”

“Why are you so angry?” Gigi is equally frustrated. Tears are escaping from the corners of her eyes, the tip of her nose is pink. She uses the backside of her hand to wipe her face.

“Because, Gigi, it’s not fair. I liked you, I really liked you. I fucking turned myself inside out liking you.”

There’s a very long silence as she steadily goes red in the face. “Well I’m sorry that having feelings for me is inconvenient and disappointing.”

Crystal tries to apologize. She doesn’t like fighting with Gigi. She doesn’t even remember a time they had a fight this bad. It has never been this bad. But she can’t find the words. She’s mad. Gigi’s mad. So she mumbles that Gigi can take her room and she leaves to stay in her parents’ room. 

* * *

Crystal comes out to the reception area after getting post-procedural care instructions to find Gigi standing there with flowers in her hand. “Hi,” Gigi says shyly with a shallow wave. 

“You came.” A wave of relief washes over Crystal when she sees Gigi. She thought she’d have to ask someone else to get her. 

When Crystal woke up this morning, in her parents’ bed because she and Gigi were still fighting, there was an unbelievable feeling of dread in the pit of her stomach. She couldn’t shake it, no matter what she did. Maybe it’s because she thought she really was going through this alone. She shot Gigi a text about her procedure, silently hoping she’d show up no matter how mad she was. In fact, she half-expected her to barge into the room to dissuade her. But she didn’t. And now she’s here. 

“Of course. I said I would, didn’t I?”

“You didn’t have to.”

“I kind of did, you need someone to take you home,” she says offering her hand to Crystal as they walk to the car. “I made a mistake and I said some horrible things I didn’t mean. I miss you and I’m sorry.” All Crystal does is squeeze her hand and nods. She doesn’t have words now and she doesn’t want to ruin the moment. 

They take the drive home in silence with Gigi periodically looking at Crystal who has leaned her head against the car window and staring into nothingness. 

Gigi helps Crystal out of the car. She takes Gigi’s hand but doesn’t get up. “You know it’s always been you, Geege, right?” she says softly. 

“I know,” she nods as she pulls Crystal up on her feet. Crystal rests her forehead on her shoulder and Gigi, in turn, rests her chin on Crystal’s head, encircling her with her arms. “But you’ll tell me when you’re not a hormotional mess.”

They spend the night together in bed just like they did that fateful Friday — Crystal curled up against Gigi, silent tears (and snot) soaking Gigi’s shirt, Gigi rubbing comforting circles on her back, telling her that it’s okay to be sad. But this time, there’s an emptiness in Crystal. A literal emptiness in her uterus. And a figurative emptiness in her chest. It will take a while, she knows. But she doesn’t know when she’ll feel better. However, right now, she’ll allow herself to feel all the feelings until there’s nothing but happiness and love and positivity that remains. 

**Author's Note:**

> Come say hello over at Tumblr (@a-tresia)


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